Happy camper? It does not exist. The only thing fun about camping is coming home.
Why people feel the need to utilize nature as their own private atmospheric hotel, I really cannot understand. It’s easy for me to complain for many reasons: I am emotionally attached to my cable. My fridge. My own shower. My own supply of snacks and nacho supplies. My drums. And especially, my cable and fridge.
Chances are you have everything you could ever need right there in your very home, on your very property, so why mess with a good thing that nature already intended? If there are things that would make life a little more pleasing – and there always will be – you certainly will not find them in the middle of the dark woods on the side of some strange mountain.
The tent: Even if experienced, you spend approximately 40 minutes just to figure out where to start and what pole goes into what peg and what colors match up to that letter and "I can’t find the last yellow piece!" You can shell out hundreds for the greatest lair of canvas ever but you will still feel the rain and the spiders will always find a way in. If you are the type of “holier than thou” camper who demands an air mattress to catch Zzz’s on Earth’s uncomfortable floor, you have no business in nature anyway. Remember that bedroom at home? Yea, that's a real mattress there, with cable right across the room, and probably half the spiders.
The food: Whatcha cookin’ there? Hot dogs? Awesome! Don’t you have hot dogs three times a week in your own kitchen? Oh, marshmallows over an open fire? So comforting. You always burn them and have to cringe while acting like you enjoy eating carbon-flavored goop. Cooking pancakes for breakfast on a hot plate? There is nothing better! Except anything is better and it’s easier on your own stove. Or at a diner.
The bugs: Not many people are in-love with insects but why invade their habitat? You have just driven a ton of miles and set-up home base just to combat a ton of flies, beetles, bees, spiders and more ants than you will ever see. They know how many hot dogs you brought and they cannot wait. And the Citronella candles you lit do nothing but emit that smell of Citronella candles. Notice the bugs are still there? Right. They’re a scam. I think the aroma only makes them hungrier. And the spiders inside your tent... So many. Look up on the ceiling. There are at least six at any given time. You want to go to sleep in there? I bet there will be very few when you wake up and you’ll notice a little tickle in your tummy. Coincidence?
Lastly, the weather. It will rain. It will always rain. And hard. At home, when it downpours so thunderously that your roof almost breaks, do you think, “Let’s go take a nap on the lawn”? Exactly. When it’s 95 degrees at 10 p.m. with so much humidity that your hair looks like a scientific experiment, do you think “Who wants to go sit by a pile of blinding flames?” You adore that central-air like a member of the family.
I won’t even go into bears, coyotes, raccoons, lack-of-laundry, walking the garbage a few miles, and the awful trek to those communal showers!
There are hotels in this world for a reason, people. They probably have just as many bugs but I can guarantee some heavenly cable.